Seeking

I am weary and weathered and worn. Beaten down by own expectations and desires for things to be a way that they are not.

Beautiful daughter has pushed me to the edges. To the fray. To the place that if I go one more time I’ll cry. And I won’t stop.

It feels utterly personal. For many years this mama taught little ones in school. Problems were easier there. Being a step removed from children my authority and peer pressure was enough to work for most children.

But this is my child.

I am learning and growing and in my own eye it is not fast enough. In late hours, in darkness I frantically scan through books and guides. “How to Parent a Strong Willed Child”, “How to Love With Logic”, “How to Grow Your Baby”, “How to Feed Your Baby”, “How to be a Godly Wife”, “How to…”

But it is clear in the middle of soft conversation with dear friend. Wife of pastor, precious woman who walks through clouded days speaking conversation with her God. In midst of sharing she reminds me that my how to’s can be made so simple – The Word is clear. The only how to book I need. The only guide to follow.

Three words make simple what I have made complex.

“Seek Him first.”

I spend hurried days scrubbing floors, scrubbing hands, washing laundry, washing faces, making beds, making plans.

I am as busy as the plump and velvety bees that linger on lavender outside my small kitchen window. They rush from purple flower stalk to purple flower stalk. Never a moment to sit, to ponder, to seek. They are busy. They are rushed. They are doing jobs.

And so do I. I am busy. Rushed. Doing my job.

But is this how my God has called me to operate in my day? I am curious what seeking feels like. What it looks like. Have I done this?

Can I do this?

And then smallish mind, tired soul realizes I must. I can and I will. Today. One day at a time. In this moment I will make a choice.

Lord, today I will choose to seek you first. Guide me as I learn a new way to live and a new way to be.

Matthew 6: 32b-33 “Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.”