Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Choosing Grace

Extending grace does not come naturally for me.

I find it hard and challenging and really not the place I want to be sometimes...

Mom has had Parkinson's Disease for over 16 years...the last 5 of those have been pretty rough years on our family. She has not walked in five years, not talked in 2 and I haven't seen her eyes open more than a handful of times in the last year.

(above...Grandma Jane, my mom, with Lillian Jane (2 yrs)

If I could think of words that described my precious mother when I was growing up, they might be these: independent, strong, strong-willed, athletic in areas, funny, witty, creative, smart, energetic, gracious, loud, emotional, relational, a friend.

And my mom had friends.

She was a part of various groups - moms that prayed for their college-aged kids, moms that volunteered at high school auctions, moms that played monthly bunco, moms that bowled in weekly leagues, moms that served lunch at the elementary school, moms that went out for dinner and dessert and laughed till their bellies ached.

My mom was a friend.

She had good friends and she was a good friend.

I can remember as a child, my mom babysat for young mamas that couldn't afford much. They would pay her nominal amounts and she would watch their precious babies, taking them on like her own.

I can remember my mom volunteering to help the adult daughter of her good friend by staying up through the night to help the new mama feed her twins. My mom had her own kids at the time.

I can remember my mom tending to her friend after her husband had died...making meals, visiting, calling, cleaning, meeting her needs.

I can remember my mom gathering groups of women monthly to go out for dessert to have fun and laugh and share stories of their daughters.

I can remember my mom organizng parties to honor friends: cooking, baking, cleaning, decorating all in preparation to honor someone else.

I can remember my mom taking on the kids of her good friend and being called Aunt Jane. Buying them clothes, shoes, books, toys - offering to pay for college. Yes. College.

And this is the short list....
I could grow it miles longer. The point is that my mom was a friend. She was a loyal, faithful friend. She modeled friendship for me and she inspired what adult women could have in a relationship.

But here is where the extending grace part comes in...

When mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease friends were near. Friends stuck close; the disease was easy then. Easy to manage, easy to hide, easy to look at becasue one couldn't see much.

She looked mostly the same.

But when things got ugly a few years back my mom's friends began to fade.It was an amazing thing to watch as fewer and fewer people stopped by. More and more people could say to my face, " I just can't go. I just can't see her like that."

For a few years there was a sting to this. I could not believe that these women who had been such good friends- who had poured in to my mom and had let her pour in to them would abandon her. Hints of anger and bitternes began to creep into my life...like those darn weeds that poke through my carrots.


But now, a few years down the road I am learning to walk differently. The Lord has worked on my heart, worked on my life and continues to shape me in to that woman that he longs for me to be. My best self.


And I know that I can not let bitterness or anger have anything to do with my life. Because, in the end, all it will hurt is me.


What that means is that in order for this to happen I have to extend grace to these very people that in essence left my mom in her greatest time of need. In the hardest, lowest period of her life.


It means that now I get to choose to extend grace in a way that means I let go of expectations (major life lesson), let go of trying to figure out the "whys" and the "how could theys" and move on.


Realize that each of us handles things differently.

That we all have reasons for our choices.

That we all make descisios that might not be harmonious to those around.

And so. Here I am. This day, and tomorrow. And the next day - I will make this sometimes hard choice to extend grace in a way that recognizes that I could have been or could be one of those women friends.

The life lesson here is easy for me though. If and when life's little path puts me in the position that my mom's friends have been in - I get to reflect on the lessons learned...the deep need that we have to continue friendship at it's deepest level and be present even when it's not the easiest thing to do.

4 comments:

Debra said...

Wow! That is so good. Grace ... isn't it all this world needs. Thank you so much for sharing that story. I have been in your mother's position for different reasons and it does hurt, but grace covers that pain and God is good and I find myself, reminding myself, to also and always extend that grace.

Unknown said...

Heidi my friend, an amazing friend. Modeling, the most important part of our parenting. Your mama did well. So well.
john 15:13,mathew 28:20

bob golden said...

Heidi,

Thanks for the wonderful message about Grace. Our Pastor has been preaching on Grace alot lately and your message was right on the money. You have a wonderful Mom who did a great job raising you. Now you get to be a great mom in return for your children. We sure wish we could come over and visit and see you all. Take care. Love Bob and Kym Golden

db said...

My father has Alzheimer's-so I understand your situation to some degree. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I pray that I will respond with grace to others as the path gets tougher.